we are approaching the midway point of the internship. it’s crazy how i am still settling into everything. and by everything i mean the culture of a different city, the work culture of my placement site, and figuring out my daily routine. after 3 years of being a student, i’m out of place and starting over again.
because i’m still settling i don’t feel like i can be 100% at work, both at FACE and LEAP. while i want to be patient with myself, i also want to get my schedule down so that i can get the most out of my experience.
this past week i attended a retreat for a leadership program that is offered to the FACE interns for free. it’s been challenging for me, as someone who has separated her faith from her work, to see the two intertwine. i still have mixed feelings about where i stand on it, and it’s been a big part of why i still haven’t completely adjusted. i’m a thinker, who needs time to process and reflect. but i’m also someone who doesn’t like not knowing what she’s feeling. there are a lot of things in this world that i cannot control, but i can control myself. when i can’t even do that, it gives me a noxious feeling.
it’s been a long, long time since i’ve faced my gripes about faith and christianity. as someone who was raised in a non-denominational church, i have truly seen the good and positive impacts of christianity. i’ve had great memories in my church, and made deliberate choices to become saved, to follow christ. i definitely believe in miracles and in a maker, but i am also disturbed by how harmful christianity can be when twisted and corrupted. when i entered college, i decided to take a step back and re-evaluate, because i didn’t know if i was willing to accept the faith in its entirety. i know any religion can cause harm, just as any religion can cause good. but for me, it wasn’t something that was so easy for me to accept because above all, i want to love and respect people, to celebrate them, to uplift them. and sometimes the people who follow christ do not do that.
these past two weeks, i feel as if i’ve been sulking a little too much though. despite all my inner turmoil in trying to reflect and see where i stand, i forget to acknowledge how great of an opportunity this is and why. i spoke with a LEAP staffer on the way to our off-site workshop for the day, and she said very insightful things that reminded me why this is such a good opportunity. many AAPI communities rely heavily on faith, and to ignore it and worse, condemn it, can lead to hypocrisy in my values. how can i say i wish to serve all AAPIs without acknowledge the importance of faith? how can i say i want to grow when the going gets tough and i want the easy way out?
while i am still wrestling with my own faith, and still quietly seek out what God has to say to me, i know that for sure, i was meant to be here. whether by divinity, or the universe, or by my own choices, i am here. i am proud to be placed in FACE, i will continue to educate myself, to keep an open mind, to learn as much as i can, to pause before passing quick judgment, and to contribute to all the communities i want to uplift.
a morena vibe 